Day Forty

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. ~ Psalms 34:8

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. ~ Albert Einstein

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. ~ Dalai Lama

Today God has given me twenty-four hours of breathing, searching, listening, learning. How many of those have I spent in a cynical place? How quickly did I jump to judge another? How many times could I not quiet my inner voice long enough to really hear another's pain, problem or praise? How often did I speak, or keep silent, out of fear?

God is everything or He is nothing. Every second of my day I have the option of praying for an intuitive thought or action. How wonderful when I remember to do so, how unfortunate when I choose my own rather flawed impulses.When I'm not gentle with God's children I feel it in a weakening of my spirit. I feel anxious, uneasy. When I'm intolerant of others, I am blocking myself off from all the Light there is in the world. Like I'm saying to Him, "Looks like you screwed this one up, but don't worry, I got this! I know what's best."

God can connect the dots, whether or not I'm able to do the same. I believe it is all for the greater good, mine, yours, people all over the world who I will never meet, people who aren't even born yet. He has a purpose for us all. My prayer tonight is that when I start to feel like I know what's best, I will recognize it for what it is - a feeling, not a fact - & remember that God's taking care of everything & my understanding is not required.

Such a Blessing to Watch a Beautiful Friend's Thoughts Unfold

I am very thankful to Kendell who has been doing an amazing job and I have been blessed to read and receive when I was able to use the internet this week. What a beautiful spirit - a talented writer, with a gift of connection.

With much love to you all,

From Gate B8 at the Boston Airport,

Amanda Gayle

Day Thirty-Nine

And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon earth. ~ Genesis 9:16

Everything I understand, I understand only because I love. ~ Leo Tolstoy

He who postpones the hour of living rightly is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. ~ Horace


My world is so big these days. Full of love & laughter. Honesty & concern. Committments & what a good friend of mine calls "real talk." The people that drift in & out of my days come with God's purpose, instead of man's. Thank you God for those you place in my life.
I am often overwhelmed by God's attention to detail - how he forms each drop of dew, molds my fingernails, paints fish scales so shiny. I was very aware of how each intricately crafted puzzle piece slid together with oiled ease, creating my Today. I was placed in the presence of so many people... a friend who loves my daughter & held & kissed her a kerbillion times -  a friend who is in a place that I've been & I had the chance to share my experience, let her know she isn't alone - a crying, sick woman whose face had that rotten color of cancer - a three-toothed little girl, only a couple of weeks shy of her first birthday, who jumped into my arms & squeezed me hard with her pudgy, dimpled little hands around my neck - a man who is scared of the future, scared of losing what he believes is his - two women, waiting on a loved one after surgery, sharing sewing tips & lovely southern pleasantries - a man who comes home & smiles at me, eventhough I know the long day has beaten him.
Some days, like this one, I feel like I've had to do nothing but wake up & show up - He took care of the rest. Today was just Here, This Hour, This Moment. Say yes & just go. I received a full range of emotion from just going today. I know the saying "90% of life is showing up," & also "you are remembered by your absence." I hope tomorrow I can remember that it's OK to be fondly forgotten because I'm really living.
I'm so grateful God gives me what He wants me to have, instead of what I deserve. My life is a miracle, my world is a blessing from a merciful God. I pray all of your days are glittery & gush with vitality, pink ribbons, rainbows, clean sheets, dirty feet & stuffed yellow peeps. Lovelovelove 

Day Thirty-Eight

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things honest, whatsoever things just, whatsoever things pure, whatsoever things lovely, whatsoever things of good report; if there be any virtue, and if any praise, think on these things. ~ Philippians 4:8
It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. ~ E.B. White

I feel at peace right now. No nervous energy swirling in my legs, my hands, my fingers. My brain feels clean, my heart is weightless. The past is quiet, my regrets know their place. The what-if's dont matter at all. I know I'm always bathed in the brilliance of Love & Light, but right now I am feeling it & there's no where else I'd rather be.

A woman saw me today, she saw right through to the center of me. I felt compelled to seek her guidance. She said she knew I wanted freedom & she was so right. She said to achieve the freedom I crave I must write,write,write - cry,cry,cry - talk,talk,talk - pray,pray,pray. Add also a dash of courage & a ton of faith. Release & receive. Listening to her speak was beautiful, her slow words so carefully chosen & formed. Molding them in her mouth before breathing them into existence. God shined through her to me & I heard Him with her voice. Those moments are what I live for.

Today I feel peace because I've done my part. I'm so grateful for what I've been able to do for my mental, emotional, physical & spiritual health. I have written, reached out, sought & accepted help, shared time with a loved one, made my little girl giggle, worked out, eaten well & prayed. I've been honest today, helped another person today & asked for forgiveness & for God's will to be done. Today has been a delicious day - I feel a little bit like Wonder Woman. I pray God gives me another chace to do it tomorrow. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Seven

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5

Faith is spiritualized imagination. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I've got to have faith, faith, faith. ~ George Michael

So tonight I'm fading quickly. Physically exhausted, emotionally spent & mentally worn down. I'm tired of thinking tonight, tired of doing, tired of feeling. The search for answers can be draining work. I am lifting all up to Him.
I can analyze all day long what is really going on & then I can feel my perception. I've done this always. Dig deep in my psyche, my brain, my soul, whatever - Me - for some kind of light. The problem with this formula is that I'm relying on myself. Whatever I arrive at & name Truth is still what Kendell is thinking & what Kendell is feeling - I'm still no closer to reality, for I'm beautifully broken, but broken all the same. I need help.
My Truth has to come from God, Creator, Father. Real self-awareness is God's gift to us all. Until I had an open connection with Him, I existed in an emotionally erratic, spiritually empty place, where clarity had no voice. I pray often that God will build a mirrored wall around me so that my truth may reflect clearly & show me who I really am. He answers this prayer, sometimes gently & sometimes it just ain't pretty at all, but always I have faith that He has readied me for this knowledge.
Today I'm grateful to know a little bit more about myself & to be able to marry this knowledge with humility. There are parts of me I'm not proud of, & I definitely don't jump for the proverbial joy when they are exposed, & not sure if I ever will. But I don't have to focus on the negative, letting it consume me & blind me to all the other, lovelier Truths God has shown me.
Thank God I've been given the Choice. I can run & hide from, ignore, scramble to conceal my ugliness from the world or take the opportunity to grow. I've burned enough years feeling like a bad seed every time I'm shown a truth that I'm uncomfortable with... so over it.
Thank you God for answering my prayers, showing me what is real & giving me the tools to accept & be made stronger by it. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Six

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses. ~ Mark 11:25

Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long. ~ Robert Brault

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~ Paul Boese

Resentments weigh me down. I don't feel mine all the time, in fact I have weeks, months in a row where I feel no anger at all. A fleeting irritation, yeah - at the baby crying, or because I left towels in the washer, or because the neighbor didn't wave when I did... again. But true anger - the kind that boils up from my toes to my face, makes me grind my teeth until my jaw aches, my voice quiver & my face colored all pink - only comes so infrequently that I'm blindsided each time & am reduced to a crumpled heap inside. A very heavy heap.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing & I don't give its practice the time, attention, respect & energy that it so well deserves. Forgiveness is indeed a practice. I have learned how to forgive the guy who pulled out in front of me at the intersection, the teacher who just didn't *get* what I was trying to say about Joyce. I have less experience with forgiving the ones who have a stronghold on my heart, more experience with just running from them.
There was a time when I believed you forgave someone in order to save yourself. I watched my mother drown in her resentments for years, horribly consumed by anger & patient rage. I knew I never wanted to live like that, be a prisoner of my own hurt feelings. Growing up, I decided I would forgive & forget quickly & get on with my life. Sometimes I was successful, more often I just ran from the pain.
I still believe forgiveness is important for my emotional health, but I feel a bigger picture today. I'm more likely to act in ways that please God these days than ever before, a direct result of my more active role in our relationship. But I still do things that hurt Him & yet each time I believe He wholly forgives me when I ask Him to do so, regardless of how awful I perceive my offense to be. God is so big that all He asks is that I drop my prideful facade & ask His forgiveness, & it is granted. I forgive to lighten my load, but today I see my important role in the cycle of forgiveness. I forgive & I'm forgiven. Alleviate another's pain & yours will be lessened. Give unconditional love & receive.
My prayer tonight is to practice forgiveness, to hear someone else's pain & to share the spirit of Love. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Five

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in Him. ~ I John 4:16

Once I knew only darkness & stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living. ~ Helen Keller

The finest clothing made is a person's skin, but, of course, society demands more than this. ~ Mark Twain

I love my porous skin, a strong peach covering for my spirit that allows for the absorption of all good things. It feels tension & peace, cold tile floors & my daughter's toothless, wet grin. My skin feels love & energy from others & hot oil popping from a pan. My skin is the place my neices caress while they watch tv & where I feel the handshake of a new friend. It is where I feel fat Alabama summer raindrops & the sticky, suffocating heat.

God did not make my ears or nose or eyes or mouth as big as He built my skin, as if He wants my sense of touch to be the greatest of them all. I wake each morning with the opportunity to touch a magical earth. I'm very aware recently, after a sermon I heard last week, of what my hands are doing. Am I using them with care & purpose? Am I offering love & kindness with them? Am I creating, enriching, contributing to this world & not just selfishly gobbling up all its wealth?

We each have an intense, God-given touch. We can make the choice to show God's unconditional love to others, to teach compassion, forgiveness & joy. I think sometimes how sad my days would be without a simple hug, or gentle fingers through my hair.With my own touch I pray I'm able to pass positive energy into all those around me, or at least share pain & promises. He must love me so dearly to bless me with so many ways to feel. Thank you God for my skin, my ability to touch your world & hug your beautiful children. LoveLoveLove