Day Forty-Four

"Cages or wings? Which do you prefer? Ask the birds. Fear or love, baby? Don't say the answer. Actions speak louder than words." -- Tick, Tick, BOOM

"Tell Vlad I said Hi ... I like playing with Vlad. He's awesome." -- Student from NC, '08 (letter)

"I hope Valdimir doesn't miss me too much." -- Student from NC, 08 (letter)


Today when I was driving to take a walk at this park I really love not to far from my house, I thought about Vlad. Considering it's Halloween today, you may think that I'm referring to some intimidating Dracula-like figure. Though you would be wrong, because I hate scary and I'm not really a fan of Halloween. Vladimir was a pet ball that I had the pleasure of being owner to when I worked in Yarmouthport, MA for an environmental education program.
In all actuality, he was a ball on the end of an elastic string that I paid a dollar before leaving to use during my field group that season. There was a velcro strap that you put on your wrist and it was supposed to be a game, which none of the staff were really able to make work. You throw the ball and pull your arm back and catch it or something. What the ball became was magical. One morning before going to meet my field group, of 12 or 13 kids, for the first time I strapped the ball onto my wrist with the cuff and began pulling it behind me toward the basketball court.
From then on, he became my pet ball. I didn't really know how it would go over with the kids, but I trusted my imagination and went with it. They were going to think I was weird and eccentric after a few minutes anyway. I might as well express it in a fun way. Besides who doesn't want a pet ball. And so the adventure began. I made him really special to them. Let them be the first group to name him. Jerked him back when one of the kids tried to touch him. Explained his newness, fears and temperament and my concern that he might bite.  So we dragged him through the woods. He chilled out. The kids even argued over who could "walk" him next. During science fair, they walked him to the different experiments and taught him things, on beach day we learned him how to swim, and when the rough terrain of the woods caused his string to detach ... Well, of course we covered him in duct tape for protection and re-attached it.
He really did become a pet and friend to the kids and me for that week. And a learning tool that maybe they didn't see because they were having fun. He could go to the kid that was homesick, to give him/her something to focus on other than his fears and that kid that was a bit too mischievous so that he/she might feel like a leader -- responsible for something. I used him in a couple more field groups, but that first one was the most imaginative and effective I think. I got a whole group of letters from those kids later and they had drawings of Vlad, Vlad and me, and asked me to pass messages along to him. In a generation that is so hindered by being indoors and staring at the TV, video games, and cell phones -- I'd gotten the chance to break through and into their creativity and imagination. And with a rickety ball and rubber band string from the dollar store.
Sometimes I think we forget. We forget that we can take something simple in our days or minutes and turn it into something full of joy with our imaginations. When the day looks bleak or things are frustrating or worrisome we don't tap into those gifts we have of creativity or imagination. We think that embracing and voicing that child-like spirit is strange or abnormal. We might stick out. We might look nutso. We might ... So we don't. But a few weeks ago I looked at a sculpture and saw spaghetti o's and meatballs, I saw some glass creations floating in a pond and imagined them special protectors of all the wishes we make on birthday candles and stars, and I talked to a stuffed turtle occasionally. It's nice to imagine the leaves twirling in a tutu or how high you could climb in that huge magnolia tree next to the university b/c life is stressful and serious and it isn't easy. However, it only takes a moment or two and a commitment to that imaginative, childlike spirit to bring a little joy into your day.
Or maybe you just need a pet ball.

Day Forty-Three

The Anchor

Drip. Drop. Drip. Spin.

Color.
It is my toe-nail polish,
I am barefoot in a church.
My feet are naked on hard,
Wood floors.
The hole is in my pants,
Not in my life.

Strangely.
The drip. Drop. Drip. Spin.
Color,
Is slipping from a lovely lollipop,
Licked not, by me.
It is stained glass,
The flavor experienced by a tongue
with spikes.
Poking holes, just enough to release
The dreams, bright and love.

The pieces of the window are swinging,
Through what is broken the fluffy full
floats down.
It is a miracle I jumped into long ago.
The glow of it, I am still receiving.
And I moan, shoes empty on the floor.
Feet free in Christ's living room.

I wait for someone to throw a rock,
And find they are naked also.
Hands empty of stones.
So we open our mouths,
As the sweet saliva, sacred water -
Drip. Drop. Drip. Spin.
Colors our throats and we walk
out,
Outcasts.
Painted light.
No windows.

It is not a dream,
We are trusted by Him
To take off our shoes,
Stretching, wiggling our toes
In the comfort of His presence.
We do not slip.

We drip. Drop. Drip. Spin.
Color.
Unusual. Real. Genuine. Pure Love.
And we are completely naked,
At church.

Day Forty-Two

Today I found a lake. Today I found a lake all by myself. Today I found a place to be quiet. The only thing frustrating me is that I cannot find the perfect pen. And so I will keep switching. Today I found a place underneath a tree on a big rock, to hear the water lap – trying to wash up. Trying to touch me. Trying to rinse my mind clean of the lies.

Just like me, this body is not quite sure how they got in there, but wants them out. Out, out, out – liquid seeping out and the waves crashing in, the pores of my skin soaking up the truth. Moments ago I saw a bottle and prayed it had a message. It is now sunken treasure, the message is within me. We are both screaming, she and I. This lake dressed in transparency, yet filled with vile green duck poo, boat fumes, and forgetfulness.

At one time I hated her, this girl that floats to the surface at times. My Ophelia. I once sat at a different lake. I wanted to drown – her. This lake is here, that was then, there. Ducks float by two white, two black and somehow one white with orange, one white with gray. One of them has taken strength and swallowed it down with weakness, feathering out the mixture and quacking, quacking, quacking.

I can imitate a duck call fairly well, but I am not accepting of imitation.

I thought strength was leaving her behind. Years and years, my Ophelia has been drowning. Deeper she sinks to find the message. This week she has surfaced, surfaced, crashed and cried through me. She wants me to take the bottle, the words. And I say, No. I say, I hate. I say, You are not worthy to hand me such things. And so I have come to this lake, this river, this water to lift her out.

I don't know where I am but we are here together. I cannot let her drown completely. We must let our feathers spread out together. She is not darkness and I am not her light. I will kiss her lips, breathe into her lungs, grasp onto her hands. And she will forgive as if I never left her. We are whole. My strength, this fragrance, welcoming back my Ophelia.

Today I found a lake. Today I found myself. Today I followed brown signs alone and I am leaving with her. The confidence and the tears – linked by the lapping, the rocks and the roots, surrounded by broken branches. I could not have been whole without her. She will walk softly and I will float on the transparent and we will save the drowning only for days when we need refreshment.

She isn't a mirror. She isn't my undoing. As one we are fit snuggly, uniquely, bravely, we balance, barely but beautifully, and I will not leave her. She is my and I am her – healing.

Today I am thankful for this lake and for my dear, Ophelia.

– amanda gayle oliver

August 4^th, 2010

Thank you Papa. Thank you for knowing just what I needed.

Old Hickory Lake?

Close to Andy Jackson's House

Somewhere near Nashville, TN

Day Forty-One

Do you want me to change the color on your nails?

They'd just painted them yesterday.

Yes. They painted them a few days ago.

They painted them yesterday.

One of the workers had painted Ms. Bee's nails yesterday. I'd watched them come and get her, pushing her wheelchair up to the dining room. They'd polished her nails - a dark pink color. But she'd said yes, so I sat down and began to remove the bright polish. The polish that had been brushed across her nails -- yesterday.
I told her she had beautiful hands. She does. Asked her about her rings. Her husband gave her all of them. Her husband that was walking around the same unit of the assisted living I was hanging out in. The Alzheimer's unit.
Yesterday.
Yesterday, I'd asked her what her name was. She said, Honey, please don't ask me that. Though she always responded to it. There might have been moments when she didn't remember her name. But she always remember her husband. They met when they were in school, she shared with me. He must have thought you were really pretty, I responded. She didn't think she was. But Mr. Q was sitting next to her. She was pretty, he said. And I was smart.
I bet you make a good team, I told them.
She told me about how good he'd been to her, how he still showed her so much love.
I could see it.
It was the third set of nails that I'd painted that day. Well, second set and this lady I'd talked to a lot the day before let me paint one of her hands -- She wanted to keep a different color on the other. My kind of woman.
I'd gone to visit my boyfriend in Tennessee. Not too far from his house was an assisted living. I kept passing the building with the tiny sign that said, "Now Hiring."
I love senior citizens. I love to adopt other people's grandparents. So I'd stopped, listened to that Spirit speaking to my soul. I left a resume, but more importantly filled out a form to spend time there. My grandmother had Alzheimer's. I remember how I didn't spend very much time with her after she became really sick. I was dealing with my own demons and I was scared of who she had become. I distanced myself. But I thought of her, I thought of my great aunt that I loved very much and the short time she spent in an assisted living.
I remembered how blessed I felt to wipe her forehead, brush the hair from her eyes and listen to her breathe. To be there for her, in these moments where she was preparing to exit the life she'd known.
So I spent my mornings in TN with these beautiful people. Reading poetry, exercising, talking, helping with snack, playing games, and painting fingernails.
I also spent time learning. I left glowing. It wasn't easy every moment, but I needed to be there with them. To be there in the moments their families might not be able to bare. It didn't bring back my grandmother, but it helped me understand. It helped me heal. I was blessed and was able to bless and encourage. God brought things full circle.
One lady told me that her morning was better just because I was there. They talked about what a good girl I was. They told me they loved me. Hugs, I gave them hugs. I squeezed their hands. I rubbed their arms when they cried for no reason or just need some affection.
I healed through playtime, with someone else's grandparents.
Life is beautiful. And everything, is not so scary.

Day Forty

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. ~ Psalms 34:8

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. ~ Albert Einstein

I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe. ~ Dalai Lama

Today God has given me twenty-four hours of breathing, searching, listening, learning. How many of those have I spent in a cynical place? How quickly did I jump to judge another? How many times could I not quiet my inner voice long enough to really hear another's pain, problem or praise? How often did I speak, or keep silent, out of fear?

God is everything or He is nothing. Every second of my day I have the option of praying for an intuitive thought or action. How wonderful when I remember to do so, how unfortunate when I choose my own rather flawed impulses.When I'm not gentle with God's children I feel it in a weakening of my spirit. I feel anxious, uneasy. When I'm intolerant of others, I am blocking myself off from all the Light there is in the world. Like I'm saying to Him, "Looks like you screwed this one up, but don't worry, I got this! I know what's best."

God can connect the dots, whether or not I'm able to do the same. I believe it is all for the greater good, mine, yours, people all over the world who I will never meet, people who aren't even born yet. He has a purpose for us all. My prayer tonight is that when I start to feel like I know what's best, I will recognize it for what it is - a feeling, not a fact - & remember that God's taking care of everything & my understanding is not required.

Such a Blessing to Watch a Beautiful Friend's Thoughts Unfold

I am very thankful to Kendell who has been doing an amazing job and I have been blessed to read and receive when I was able to use the internet this week. What a beautiful spirit - a talented writer, with a gift of connection.

With much love to you all,

From Gate B8 at the Boston Airport,

Amanda Gayle

Day Thirty-Nine

And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon earth. ~ Genesis 9:16

Everything I understand, I understand only because I love. ~ Leo Tolstoy

He who postpones the hour of living rightly is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses. ~ Horace


My world is so big these days. Full of love & laughter. Honesty & concern. Committments & what a good friend of mine calls "real talk." The people that drift in & out of my days come with God's purpose, instead of man's. Thank you God for those you place in my life.
I am often overwhelmed by God's attention to detail - how he forms each drop of dew, molds my fingernails, paints fish scales so shiny. I was very aware of how each intricately crafted puzzle piece slid together with oiled ease, creating my Today. I was placed in the presence of so many people... a friend who loves my daughter & held & kissed her a kerbillion times -  a friend who is in a place that I've been & I had the chance to share my experience, let her know she isn't alone - a crying, sick woman whose face had that rotten color of cancer - a three-toothed little girl, only a couple of weeks shy of her first birthday, who jumped into my arms & squeezed me hard with her pudgy, dimpled little hands around my neck - a man who is scared of the future, scared of losing what he believes is his - two women, waiting on a loved one after surgery, sharing sewing tips & lovely southern pleasantries - a man who comes home & smiles at me, eventhough I know the long day has beaten him.
Some days, like this one, I feel like I've had to do nothing but wake up & show up - He took care of the rest. Today was just Here, This Hour, This Moment. Say yes & just go. I received a full range of emotion from just going today. I know the saying "90% of life is showing up," & also "you are remembered by your absence." I hope tomorrow I can remember that it's OK to be fondly forgotten because I'm really living.
I'm so grateful God gives me what He wants me to have, instead of what I deserve. My life is a miracle, my world is a blessing from a merciful God. I pray all of your days are glittery & gush with vitality, pink ribbons, rainbows, clean sheets, dirty feet & stuffed yellow peeps. Lovelovelove 

Day Thirty-Eight

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things honest, whatsoever things just, whatsoever things pure, whatsoever things lovely, whatsoever things of good report; if there be any virtue, and if any praise, think on these things. ~ Philippians 4:8
It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. ~ E.B. White

I feel at peace right now. No nervous energy swirling in my legs, my hands, my fingers. My brain feels clean, my heart is weightless. The past is quiet, my regrets know their place. The what-if's dont matter at all. I know I'm always bathed in the brilliance of Love & Light, but right now I am feeling it & there's no where else I'd rather be.

A woman saw me today, she saw right through to the center of me. I felt compelled to seek her guidance. She said she knew I wanted freedom & she was so right. She said to achieve the freedom I crave I must write,write,write - cry,cry,cry - talk,talk,talk - pray,pray,pray. Add also a dash of courage & a ton of faith. Release & receive. Listening to her speak was beautiful, her slow words so carefully chosen & formed. Molding them in her mouth before breathing them into existence. God shined through her to me & I heard Him with her voice. Those moments are what I live for.

Today I feel peace because I've done my part. I'm so grateful for what I've been able to do for my mental, emotional, physical & spiritual health. I have written, reached out, sought & accepted help, shared time with a loved one, made my little girl giggle, worked out, eaten well & prayed. I've been honest today, helped another person today & asked for forgiveness & for God's will to be done. Today has been a delicious day - I feel a little bit like Wonder Woman. I pray God gives me another chace to do it tomorrow. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Seven

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5

Faith is spiritualized imagination. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I've got to have faith, faith, faith. ~ George Michael

So tonight I'm fading quickly. Physically exhausted, emotionally spent & mentally worn down. I'm tired of thinking tonight, tired of doing, tired of feeling. The search for answers can be draining work. I am lifting all up to Him.
I can analyze all day long what is really going on & then I can feel my perception. I've done this always. Dig deep in my psyche, my brain, my soul, whatever - Me - for some kind of light. The problem with this formula is that I'm relying on myself. Whatever I arrive at & name Truth is still what Kendell is thinking & what Kendell is feeling - I'm still no closer to reality, for I'm beautifully broken, but broken all the same. I need help.
My Truth has to come from God, Creator, Father. Real self-awareness is God's gift to us all. Until I had an open connection with Him, I existed in an emotionally erratic, spiritually empty place, where clarity had no voice. I pray often that God will build a mirrored wall around me so that my truth may reflect clearly & show me who I really am. He answers this prayer, sometimes gently & sometimes it just ain't pretty at all, but always I have faith that He has readied me for this knowledge.
Today I'm grateful to know a little bit more about myself & to be able to marry this knowledge with humility. There are parts of me I'm not proud of, & I definitely don't jump for the proverbial joy when they are exposed, & not sure if I ever will. But I don't have to focus on the negative, letting it consume me & blind me to all the other, lovelier Truths God has shown me.
Thank God I've been given the Choice. I can run & hide from, ignore, scramble to conceal my ugliness from the world or take the opportunity to grow. I've burned enough years feeling like a bad seed every time I'm shown a truth that I'm uncomfortable with... so over it.
Thank you God for answering my prayers, showing me what is real & giving me the tools to accept & be made stronger by it. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Six

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses. ~ Mark 11:25

Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long. ~ Robert Brault

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~ Paul Boese

Resentments weigh me down. I don't feel mine all the time, in fact I have weeks, months in a row where I feel no anger at all. A fleeting irritation, yeah - at the baby crying, or because I left towels in the washer, or because the neighbor didn't wave when I did... again. But true anger - the kind that boils up from my toes to my face, makes me grind my teeth until my jaw aches, my voice quiver & my face colored all pink - only comes so infrequently that I'm blindsided each time & am reduced to a crumpled heap inside. A very heavy heap.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing & I don't give its practice the time, attention, respect & energy that it so well deserves. Forgiveness is indeed a practice. I have learned how to forgive the guy who pulled out in front of me at the intersection, the teacher who just didn't *get* what I was trying to say about Joyce. I have less experience with forgiving the ones who have a stronghold on my heart, more experience with just running from them.
There was a time when I believed you forgave someone in order to save yourself. I watched my mother drown in her resentments for years, horribly consumed by anger & patient rage. I knew I never wanted to live like that, be a prisoner of my own hurt feelings. Growing up, I decided I would forgive & forget quickly & get on with my life. Sometimes I was successful, more often I just ran from the pain.
I still believe forgiveness is important for my emotional health, but I feel a bigger picture today. I'm more likely to act in ways that please God these days than ever before, a direct result of my more active role in our relationship. But I still do things that hurt Him & yet each time I believe He wholly forgives me when I ask Him to do so, regardless of how awful I perceive my offense to be. God is so big that all He asks is that I drop my prideful facade & ask His forgiveness, & it is granted. I forgive to lighten my load, but today I see my important role in the cycle of forgiveness. I forgive & I'm forgiven. Alleviate another's pain & yours will be lessened. Give unconditional love & receive.
My prayer tonight is to practice forgiveness, to hear someone else's pain & to share the spirit of Love. Lovelovelove

Day Thirty-Five

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in Him. ~ I John 4:16

Once I knew only darkness & stillness... my life was without past or future... but a little word from the fingers of another fell into my hand that clutched at emptiness, and my heart leaped to the rapture of living. ~ Helen Keller

The finest clothing made is a person's skin, but, of course, society demands more than this. ~ Mark Twain

I love my porous skin, a strong peach covering for my spirit that allows for the absorption of all good things. It feels tension & peace, cold tile floors & my daughter's toothless, wet grin. My skin feels love & energy from others & hot oil popping from a pan. My skin is the place my neices caress while they watch tv & where I feel the handshake of a new friend. It is where I feel fat Alabama summer raindrops & the sticky, suffocating heat.

God did not make my ears or nose or eyes or mouth as big as He built my skin, as if He wants my sense of touch to be the greatest of them all. I wake each morning with the opportunity to touch a magical earth. I'm very aware recently, after a sermon I heard last week, of what my hands are doing. Am I using them with care & purpose? Am I offering love & kindness with them? Am I creating, enriching, contributing to this world & not just selfishly gobbling up all its wealth?

We each have an intense, God-given touch. We can make the choice to show God's unconditional love to others, to teach compassion, forgiveness & joy. I think sometimes how sad my days would be without a simple hug, or gentle fingers through my hair.With my own touch I pray I'm able to pass positive energy into all those around me, or at least share pain & promises. He must love me so dearly to bless me with so many ways to feel. Thank you God for my skin, my ability to touch your world & hug your beautiful children. LoveLoveLove

Day Thirty-Four

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. ~ I Corinthians 10:31


Faith and doubt are both needed - not as antagonists, but working side by side to take us around the unknown curve. ~ Lillian Smith


To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~ Soren Kierkegaard


When Amanda asked if I would contribute to her blog this week in her absence my brain pulsed with a myriad of reasons to run fast & far from her request.
I haven't written anything in months...I've never written a devotional piece...This is her audience & what if they don't dig my voice...I'm busy...I have a 3 month old baby!
In her email to me she wrote of the posts, "it just has to come from the heart." My heart, yeah. The answer was revealed in that same open spot. At times my thoughts are posioned & pocked with I can't so often I am convinced they are right. Their dirge is loud & I believe them. I forget my brain is fueled by ego, the part of Me that is unable to tell the truth out of fear of... whatever, everything, all of it.
God did not make me a ballroom dancer (I'm incredibly klutzy) or a scuba diver (water is kinda creepy) and he did not bless me with a green thumb, but He has given me the gift of shaping words, crafting sentences, coloring pages with paragraphs. I had to write this week - because she asked, because I'm able, because I'm scared, because my insides are bubbling right now, frenzied with freedom & wild with this opportunity.
I believe God has sprinkled us all with amazing, unique, beautiful gifts. They help us learn who we are & are what make us God's individual children. There is no better way to honor Him than to utilize these talents & put his blessings to work in the world. We each have a story & a responsibility to share it. To Express. Relate. Connect. We accomplish this best when we step out on faith, use what we've been given.

I envision God's smile, filled with sunlight, when I write my thanks & prayers to Him. I feel closest to Him when I take that time. I'm able to communicate my feelings & be the most honest & vulnerable in a letter, rather than a conversation. My words don't shake like my voice - they don't stumble or stutter or sweat. The words God gifts to me make me free.

What talents has God blessed you with & how can you use them to honor Him? Don't allow your brain to hold you hostage with lies. Let your heart be warmed by God's Love for & Confidence in you. Ask God to relieve you of your fears & begin to use your strengths to bear spiritual fruit.

Sing so we can hear you - Dance so we can see - Teach us what you know.
We are all waiting!
I'm overflowing with gratitude for this chance to write while Amanda is away, playing with other fabulous poets. I'm grateful to share my journey with you & melt in your spirit. LoveLoveLove.

Day Thirty-Three

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10


As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered ... The Lord is full of compassion and mercy. James 5:11


God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame. -- Elizabeth Barett Browning


Today is the last day devotion I am writing before I leave for my workshop on the Cape this week. My beautiful and talented friend, Kendell will be writing the 365 Days of Devotion this week so that we don't miss a day. I am excited for this. I think after thirty-three days it would be a great blessing for another viewpoint, another voice to be heard. She has an amazing heart and I know that all of you will enjoy the things she has to share. I will be back a week from Saturday. So read, read, read. Share. And respond.

***
Dreams. Opportunities. Desires of the heart.
God has been so gracious to be the dreamer of my dreams. He takes the things I strive for, the things I dream of and delivers them in so much bigger and better packages. Not only that, but the things I learn from the way He dreams for me are priceless.
Tomorrow, incredibly early in the morning, I leave for another adventure. I get to spend the day with my fabulous friend Wendy in North Carolina, then fly into New England, catch a bus, be picked up from the bus stop by two amazing people, and sleep in a bed of a home that used to be a bookstore. Then I get to wake up by the ocean, meet new friends, learn amazing things from one of my favorite poets of all time, improve my writing, and have fun.
It has been ten months since I've walked in New England, a place I love so much. That time it was Vermont. God blew me away. I asked Him to go before me. Meet the people I would meet, walk where I would walk, see the beautiful things He would show. It was Amazing, amazing with a capital "A." A time I will never forget. With beautiful whispers from God, a river a began a love affair with, new friends I believe I will have for a lifetime, the opportunity to meet a poet whose writing I loved & hear great things from her, and to just be free.
I used to crave it, New England when I would move home. I felt that I was my most free there, the most creative. When I would come to Alabama I would miss the way that the air felt in my lungs. If I could just be there for five minutes to breathe it in, I would tell people. It is a magical place for me.
Because it is a place I dreamed of since middle school I think. I want to live in New England and be writer I would tell my friends. I could see the house I would have on a cliff over-looking the ocean. In my mind, I would see the sweater I would have wrapped around me as I explored the rocky beaches.
It was my dream. Every time I left, I feared I wouldn't be able to go back and still He delivers me there. It's a beautiful gift.
This time maybe even more special because for the first time after coming back, I've learned to be more free at home. To take in more of my moments and be here. Not always looking back to New England and a dream I walked in, not always looking forward to being back. I enjoyed school this semester. My play is being performed in the fall. I've spent renewed time with people I love here. I have someone special in my life enjoy seeing. I walk in gratitude at home as well.
A couple of times after coming home from New England, a friend of mine said to me -- maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson. If you can learn to be free at home, you know that Freedom is inside you and that way you feel in New England completely yourself, 100 percent free; it is with you know matter where you are. After that I would be opened-up to go wherever in this world I wanted to go and be who I wanted, be free, be creative. Anywhere.
That is the spirit I hope I am carrying with me to Cape Cod this week. 100 % who I am from the moment I step onto that plane until I return a week later. Relishing in this gift from a God that loves me so much.
Dreams are real.
Flying over New England before landing often feels like home to my soul.
But real home is within me.
And in that home there is Freedom.
That is my true present, that teaching from my God.
I will live in Gratitude of it.
And I will dive into poetry with a splash.
Swimming in words.

Day Thirty-Two

Suddenly, out in the hall, I heard an infant scream, followed by a quick "shhh! presumably from its mother. The Reb heard it, too.
Now, that child, he said, reminds me of something our sages taught. When a baby comes into the world, its hands are clenched, right? Like this?
He made fist.
Why? Because a baby, not knowing any better, wants to grab everything, to say, The world is mine.
But when an old person dies, how does he do so? WIth his hands open. Why? Because he has learned the lesson.
What lesson? I asked.
He stretched open his empty fingers.
We can take nothing with us.


-- From Have a Little Faith, By Mitch Albom 
(By the way, this book is amazing. If you haven't read it, go to the library or to a book store. Get it!)

Today, I spent my day packing. Packing for next week, when I will be in Cape Cod learning amazing things from one of my favorite poets and an amazing group of women in a workshop I will be a part of.
Today, I learned to pack lightly.
A week's worth of clothing and such in a carry-on suitcase. It might not sound all that difficult, but I have always been an over-packer. Until today, when I practiced a lesson I loved. Simplicity.
A couple of years ago, I lived in a small house in Maine. I lived there with beautiful people. I lived in the woods, a short walk to the beach. The air was incredible. I felt 100 percent free to be myself. And I felt lovely, funny and creative.
It was one of the best times of my life.
And it was lived from a tiny room, with white-washed walls. A twin bed, some drawers and a few shelfs. My favorite room ever. I took two suitcases with me. For me, it was living simply. Simply living.
And it was amazing.
I used to give tours of that room to my friends. Imagine the possibilities.
Now I set out to go to another place I love. Still in New England. Cape Cod. And I am learning again to simplify. (I still over-packed.)
But it is a relief and refreshing.
For awhile now, though let's not hold our breaths that I will do this, I've wanted to just get rid of stuff. I like to keep things, but I've felt that I just have all this STUFF around me. Weighing me down.
When do you feel your most carefree? Your most light, relieved? What kind of things could you leave out of the suitcase you're carrying?
How could you life be more simple?
Sometimes less truly is more.
More love. More happy. More peace.

Day Thirty-One

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. -- Carl Jung

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. -- Herm Albright

So often we focus on the things that are going wrong in our lives. The things from our pasts that we should have done differently. The "in between" that we wish would hurry up and produce something. We don't appreciative where we are at this moment because it may be uncomfortable. We're ready for the next thing. We view risks, ventures as a failure if we didn't receive the "success" we were looking for. 

Today I'd like to put forth a challenge for us. I say "us" because I need to be reminded to do this as well. Plus, we are on this journey of life together.

I want to challenge us today, to look at the things we are doing right. The good decisions we have made. Tonight when you get home from work or time with your kiddos or just are able to find a quiet space -- take a moment or two to exam your day. 

What are at least five things? Five things that your did that were healthy. Five things that you did that were positive. Five things that you did that were beautiful or encouraged someone else. Five choices that you made that would have gotten you a "check plus"and not a negative. You can pick any of these to make at least five.

We need to take some time to change around our thinking. We need to set aside a moment or two in our days to love and congratulate ourselves for being healthy and right, courageous. From the simple to the more complex.

The Bible says we are able to walk boldly into God's presence. We are called to be strong and courageous. We are pure and holy, filled with the fullness of his love.

He loves us so much.

We need to take some time out to purposefully love ourselves and realize the positive things we are doing in our lives, that maybe we haven't always done.

It will make a difference.

It will change the way you look at yourself and your life.

It will help you begin to see the person God loves, when you look in the mirror.

It will allow you to see growth you never could have dreamed.

Love yourself.

Congratulate yourself.

Find joy in the things you are doing that are positive.

Smile a little brighter.

You're doing the best you can, let God do the rest. 

Photo by dotbenjamin

Day Thirty

 May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else. 1 Thessalonians 3:12

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world. -- Mother Teresa 

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. -- Mignon McLaughlin

Love as if your life depended on it. Love to love extravagantly, yet appropriately. Live the life of a lover.

Some verses that I really like from The Message translation of the Bible. 

I am blessed to have the opportunity to love all kinds of beautiful people. I have experienced many kinds of love. And I am loved unconditionally by a Father who never wavers -- consistency. 

There are times we have to let go of people we love. Maybe because this is what is best for us or because they were only meant to teach us something and move on.

There are people we love our whole lives. We grow with them, we invest in them, we encourage them and it is a relationship that lasts a lifetime.

I feel like their are times in my life where God has sent me to love others and encourage them and that I have let my "self" get in the way. Investing too much and getting hurt in the process.

But I love big. It was the learning to love appropriately that took me awhile.

A beautiful, wise lady that I once spent much time with told me, "To never stop loving too much, but just to realize that I couldn't possess people."

As I've grown and grown-up, I've learned to love with healthiness and appropriate boundaries.

Many people are searching for love daily. We crave it in some ways. Loving ourselves. Love from those we care about. Love from those who have become distant. Love from those that have walked away.

Yet, we have the greatest love of all poured into us daily. God's love for us. 

It is my prayer that we share this love in amazing ways, with those we come into contact with on a daily basis, encouragement in the moment, a hug, a nudge forward, a listening ear ... Love extravagantly. Love without fear of rejection -- risk it. Love a stranger. Love an angel unaware. 

Blanket your day with that which you desire to receive.

May we be a safe place of love for each other. Community, with the example we have learned from the God of all peace.

A little love from me to you today. In one of my favorite forms and with beautiful words.

Day Twenty-Nine

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21


The yes is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. Matthew 6:22


If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.  -- E. Joseph Cossman


Worry.
Obsessing.
I feel that I've been paying too much attention to the irrational fears and worry that are floating around my head. Today.
Today, I wake up not feeling quite like myself. Not empty but maybe quiet and then I start to worry. I start to think to much. To ruminate.
I'm worried about my energy level. Because of the fabulous dream, opportunity, trip that I've been waiting to come about for almost a year and will be walking into this weekend.
I'm worried about messing up an answered prayer, a relationship of blessing.
Briefly, coming to the surface in the line to worry about in the soon to near future. The job I don't even have yet, but need desperately when I get back.
A new venture with a magazine that might make me go back to a writing style that challenges me and to stepping out of the comfort zone. Which gets smaller, but still exists.
Do you notice the majority of the list? I'm worrying over blessings, dreams, opportunities and new directions that have been put into my life. What?
That's silly.
But most of my day today, has been spent worrying while being slightly productive.
If God chooses to bless my life, wouldn't it make immediate sense that he would provide for that blessing.
He's never steered me wrong before. Sometimes the most nervous I am about something, the more fabulous it turns out to be.
And I find strength in that.
What do I do when I worry after cycling the thoughts around and around in my head. Trying to convince myself of truth instead of the worry, guilt or just plain irrationality of it all? I want to confess it. Get it out of there. I want reassurance. 
So often we as humans, love to find this in other humans. It's a tangibility things. We want to hear the words or have the hug.
But today I went to God. And will continue to, as many times as these worries cycle around.
I ask Him to go ahead of me. Meet the people I will meet, have conversations with them first, walk where I will walk ... figure out the airport.
I ask him to love the prayer He answered in my life and just help me to continue to nurture and be thankful for it.
I recognize that when things are going good or I am doing something beautiful for God, the worry is most likely going to follow. Somewhere. It can be short or last long. It's according to how long I'm willing to listen to it.
When I'm willing to talk about it with God.
I love the quote above that I found today. Who has ever remembered what they were worried about on a specific day -- two weeks ago, a month ago, a year? We remember the moments. 
Worry doesn't make an impact. 
It doesn't warm are hearts in remembrance on a rainy day.
It robs us of joy. It keeps us frozen. It quenches are spirit.
When we were meant for so much more.
Watch the worries pass, soak in the blessings.
Gifts don't come with cards that someone has filled with negativity, words to down us, or questions like -How are your really going to enjoy this? Sure you've unwrapped but now you just need to sit and think about all the bad stuff that could destroy it.
No!
God gives gifts in love.
No one gives worry with their love, my friends.
Joy. Joy. Joy.
We have to choose it every moment.
And walk in the confetti.

Day Twenty-Eight

When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God. Luke 13:12-13


I was thinking about Luke today.
A couple of years ago. I decided I wanted to know Jesus. Just him. Not religion. Not what someone told me. Not what a church or denomination said about him.
I prayed that he would show me. Just him. Cause people loved Jesus, ya' know? Sometimes I think we read the Bible and the words lift off the page in monotone. But Jesus had friends, people flocked to him, he hung out with interesting people, he laughed, he was good with kids, he had fun at weddings ...
I had a wise lady guide me to the gospels and give me the advice of learning about Jesus from the people who spent the most time with him, his disciples. To view him through their eyes.
I've always really loved John and his relationship with Jesus, reclining against him. Loving him with a pure heart, hearing his heart beat.
But I began by reading Luke. Luke was a physician. There's some interesting things to think about when thinking about the eyes Luke viewed Jesus through. Was he an analytical thinker? Did he have trouble accepting the miracles he was seeing? Was he skeptical about a virgin birth? As a healer could he relate more beautifully to the Healer? What kinds of things did they talk about? Did he worry about if Jesus was keeping hydrated or exhausting himself? What kinds of things did he say to the people who were suffering? What was his primary role in this beautiful band of brothers? What was his favorite thing about Christ? What could he relate to most about him? What parts of Jesus did Luke see that he wanted most to be like?
I never finished the research I was doing with my heart and learning to understand this Jesus I believe in. The real one, that hasn't been polluted by all our perceptions and legalism, religion.
Which disciple would you have chosen to meet Jesus through?
Do you desire to know him? Just him.
Sometimes you find out the most beautiful things about people, from learning who they are by asking their best friends.
I think I need to go back and spend a little more time with the good doctor, the fishermen, the youngest, the beloved, the one who was labeled as the doubter ... He chose them.
They chose to follow him.
Not many people would have known him better.
How much do you desire to know him today?
His personality, his quirks, his loves, his words. What made him laugh? What made him cry? God came to earth as man. What kind of man did he choose to be?
One who desired to have people he could trust around him, people who could help him carry out his mission and one who would betray him -- to fulfill his calling.
Why not make a lunch date with one of the twelve?
What will they tell you? About their friend, Jesus?
How their faces would light up, if asked about this man who calmed the waters -- just for them.

Day Twenty-Seven

His mercies are new every morning ...

What makes a day beautiful?
What made today beautiful was the company that I kept. The river that I stood near and made sure I took in the view. The safety in a drive to and out of town. Soft prayers to God. Conversation had. The witnessing of a marriage between two people that were strangers to me. The blisters that I got on my feet walking to see something lovely. Eating green beans with my fingers in the truck -- Lunch on the go. Hugs. Meeting new people. Music. Fighting the tiredness in my body that is aching. Holding hands. Sharing of pasts and connection.
Sometimes what makes the day beautiful is the struggle I've overcome to admit that it was beautiful. The attitude or mood I've asked God to change and have been able to turn around in less time, than the last time it feel upon me. Sometimes beauty in the day comes from a lesson learned. Kindness from a stranger. Truth finally believed. Sometimes a day is beautiful because of each breath I take or because I woke up that morning. Beauty doesn't come from perfection.
Seeing beauty in each day comes from practice. It comes from letting go. It comes from looking. It comes with perspective. And it is painted by the Master, even if we don't like the colors he takes from the palette -- dark to light. Or the things he has to smear out to paint over. The pictures that are painful he creates.
We must find comfort in the Truth that everything He forms with that brush has meaning. When He looks at that canvas He sees beautiful. It's what the painter does. He can't not love the thing He has created, because it has come from His feelings, His loves and insides.
Each day is beautiful. Every moment is beautiful. Don't stop looking.
He will not stop painting.
Your days are a masterpiece.
Each one worth so much ... so much more than we realize.

Day Twenty-Six

I wanted to share the lyrics to this song today. It is the prayer of my heart, my comfort and my passion.
It is my hope that we would all, today, or in the week to come -- Find something beautiful, something to learn, or something encouraging from someone who is different from us. We all have something teach each other. We are all beautiful. All brave. Look to the inside.


Orphans of God

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft' abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

Day Twenty-Five

I'm borrowing a hint of this from something shared tonight at this beautiful ministry I go to on Thursdays. But I think it's a simple question that can be significant.

What was the best time of your life?

My question to you -- Are you still there? Or can you embrace those beautiful times, let go, and move forward to bigger things, new things?

Where should you be leaving your footprints? Not in yesterday. But in today, stepping toward the beauty that is to come.

Day Twenty-Four

... whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things ... My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:8 & 19


It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. -- e.e. cummings


Originality is... a by-product of sincerity.  -- Marianne Moore


Attitude. I've been feeling a little, a smidgen of neediness the past couple of weeks. It could be the diet and absence of sugar and the junk food I crave, could just be where my emotions are at the moment or it might be the summer and not being around people as much during the day. But even a smidgen can make me nervous at times. Sure, I'm human but the human that I have become is brave, independent and strong through a cheesecloth of sensitivity. 
There were times in my life when I relied to heavily on others who I thought were stronger than I was. Especially, when my world began to spin out of control. I needed reassurance and to be soothed. But as I began to heal and grow, I saw the truth. That being heavily dependent on anyone but God always led to let down or to inconsistency. That I had to learn to reassure and soothe myself. As I began to walk more firmly on my own feet, toward the goals of my life I began to see these people that I had put high up on a pedestal in a real way.
Beautiful and strong they were, but they were human. They were flawed. They made mistakes. They had their own lives and families to deal with to love. Maybe we weren't that different after all. I could appreciate and learn from them, but it was beautiful and strong to be me as well. For me that came with not just believing in God, but believing I was who He said I was and that I good do what He said I could do -- above and beyond all I could imagine. It wasn't easy. But something that was suggested to me during this time was that maybe I was grabbing on to these people, looking up to them in big ways because they possessed a quality that I was quite able to see in myself yet. Though, it was there inside of me. 
I still sometimes find interesting to look at that with the people I admire in my life. Now that I have healthy relationships and people in my life, the people I admire -- what is it that I see in them that I can't quite recognize or put into practice for myself yet?
So back to neediness. Even a smidgen can make me nervous. I've gotten better but I've always been one of those worriers that worry about worrying. You know what I'm talking about? I worry that I might be nervous about something. Or that there is the potential there to worry about something? I worry about the worry ... Not just the thing. 
So even when there is just a smidgen there hanging around underneath the surface. Somewhere in my mind I'm going. What if I lose my independence? What if I'm going back to being that needy girl in a relationship? This was never attractive on me. I look better in joy and serenes. And then I take the time to remember that that can't happen. I'm not the same person that I once was. Sure on certain days we all have our moments where we don't feel ourselves or walk in our strengths, but it doesn't mean we're losing who we've become.
For me, it is usually fatigue that does it, not spending enough time with God, not listening to Truth and sometimes change ... even good change. And so I respect these things ... Do my best to get the rest I need or spend time with a God who is always waiting for me to hear that "ding, dong" or see that "light bulb" moment and realize, I'm not that far away. And I haven't lost myself, because I am hidden in Him. 
It is true at times we need others, but when we become "needy" I believe it is something else we need entirely.
And His reassurance means more to me than any from mortal man. Plus we like to dance, He and I. So I apologize for my attitude that springs forth from the moment my human-ness leads to a reflection of myself I don't quite like. And I embrace the joy in my day, in my life. And joy, it's different than happy. 
His mercy is new every morning. His resources full. And His advice never flawed. 
Consistency.
Love.
Need Him.

Day Twenty-Three

Ah, Sovereign Lord, I said. I do not know how to speak. I am only a child.
But the Lord said to me, Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the Lord.
The the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now I have put my words in your mouth. See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.


Jeremiah 1:6-10


(Sometimes He speaks so loudly that I just have to listen, exalting Him in tearful adoration. His words today, not my own.)

Twenty - Two

... You have freed me from my chains. Ps. 116:16

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. -- William Wordsworth

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. -- Vladimir Nabakov

Normally, I will say that the best gift I am ever given or wish to receive is spending quality time with people. True is true. But I was sitting at church yesterday, and was really happy I hadn't been given one of those fill in the blank sheets. Inside the bulletin were just two blank pages. If quality time with people I care for is the best gift I could receive. I blank sheet of paper comes in close second. All out of order I wrote down things the pastor was saying, writing in the things God was saying to me. Scribbled out writing. Cursive. Print. Drawing. Squiggly arrows. It was a blank space to write down what was being uniquely given to me. 

I was asked once the question what would I want with me if I was stranded on an island. My answer: paper and something to write on it with. Words are my lifeline. We are called to share our stories. Each one is unique. And I would like to say equal. None more important or less. There is always someone out there that can relate to our experiences. 

When I was in college the first time, I went to talk to a friend that worked at the university. It was the same afternoon my long-time boyfriend and I had broken up. This is just the ending of one short chapter in your life and you have many more to write. It will be a long story. When we are in pain at times we don't see the big picture. We stay stuck in just that moment. But before too long we are handed another blank page. Such a gift. 

There is always revising to be done, starting over with that clean page. And once again we begin to write. 

Today I was given a clean page. Sitting on what is a mock-up of a real beach I thought of some things I wanted to write. Spending time with people I love and special time with a couple of kiddos I haven't seen in a long time. I love them a lot, but I knew that they might not remember me. Still there was connection. That unspoken thing that is family. 

To see her now so grow-up, when I used to give her bottles or pick her up and take care of her over night. Listening quietly to her breathing or even her tears to make sure she was safe or at peace. Can she ever remember that? Tall, able to read her own books now, finding her independence. He was just a little boy. A soccer game. 

Back flips. Full of energy. Now imaginative, sweet and looking for guidance. Today he looked to me to keep him safe, to ward off the snakes, to hold his hand when things seemed slippery. And I listened to both of them.

We were given a blank page. A place to start new. Family being a connection sometimes felt more than remembered. They are the beautiful, best parts ... presents of that relationship long gone. Pure. Innocent. And needing love. Today is a day when I was handed a blank page, and the part of the story I wrote, added so much beauty to the book.

Just from listening, loving and holding hands with my niece and nephew.

What will you write on the gift given to you today? That blank page. Will it add beauty to your story? Never stop writing. Always moving forward.

Such connection.