Day Four

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:18


"To be a christian without prayer, is no more possible than to be alive without breathing." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.


"I taught myself to live simply and wisely,
to look at the sky and pray to God,
and to wander long before evening
to tire my superfluous worries."
-- Anna Akhmatova


Prayer. I haven't been spending as much time talking to God as I should lately. But I have been talking a lot about listening.
I have this thing sometimes where I shut down if I feel like I'm not being listened to, if someone's watching TV, staring at the computer screen, or texting when I'm sharing something with them; and I think it has to do with the way I feel most loved. Maybe it's about being understood. If I feel that I'm not being listened to, it's almost as if I fighting against some sort of wall -- sometimes it's easier to trust a piece of paper and pour out my words in writing.
Do you ever go through times when you just don't feel like talking? Not on the phone. Not in a group. Not to God.
It isn't that you don't want to -- it's just you're exhausted by life, there's too much noise from the technology around you, too many things we reach out for, hoping for distraction. Yesterday, I looked up at the top of the hill behind our house. The one with my neon green adirondack chair sitting on it. I thought maybe that would be a good place for God to sit. I like to do that sometimes -- to literally look at or face a chair when I'm talking to God. To speak out loud. To have a conversation. But today that adirondack chair seems too far away.
God taught me some great things today, whispering soul to soul. But where is my voice? I like to just talk to God throughout the day. Sometimes I ask for a surprise. I just need one, like a little kid in a toy shop. Doesn't have to be much -- something to laugh at, a special song on the radio, or a call from a friend I haven't heard from in awhile. He shows up. Sometimes I just like to be grateful. Sometimes I like to ask Him about things -- tell Him how beautiful the sunset is. Mostly I ask Him to hold me close to His heart, so that I can hear His heartbeat above all else. But quality one-on-one time? I haven't given much.
If the power of God depended solely on what I said to Him, I think I would have lost the power that comes from prayer long ago.
But I miss Him ... I miss talking to Him so much, that I have to take moments where I just sit and listen. And I think He's waiting, He's waiting for some quality time with His favorite girl. I think He trusts that it won't ever be too long until I get my words out. Most of the time, it's me who worries. There have been periods that I have really just had to take out a piece of paper, find a place alone, and begin -- "Dear Papa ..."
But my voice-box is turned off right now. Short prayers here and there. Thankfulness in a moment. But no chair-to-chair, no meeting between friends, and no sitting at His feet. I am so glad that He listens to my heart. I am so glad He answers even when He has to strain to hear. But it seems strange to me, that if I'm so worried about who is or isn't listening, why can't I go to the one who always has His complete attention on me? ... When I'm ready to speak.
He understands.