Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. Matthew 10:26
I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day. -- Abraham Lincoln
The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right. -- William Safire
Right or wrong? Good or bad? Mistake or lesson? Is denying always positive, at times can it be more harmful? I feel like this devotion today will be more about questions than exact answers. And that's okay. It's definitely alright with me. I've been feeling pretty free spirited for a big chunk of time now, very settled into who I am. Genuinely happy. I've been discovering how I feel, love and relate to God individually and uniquely. Just He and I. If a relationship is personal, shouldn't it be different for everyone?
I'm a comfortable in my own skin at 28 and it has been a battle. A battle God gave me the victory over. I love who I am. But at times I do wonder have I found a beautiful love of God that is freeing and about love and faith and accepting my flaws; or have I just learned to listen solely to myself? I love my mistakes. Please don't take this lightly, not when coming from a hyper-perfectionist who every day overcomes this personality trait a little more.
What I'm saying is that I do believe that God permits some things for His children that may be what they want or ask for, but it is not always profitable for them. So I don't look at my mistakes as bad things as much as beautiful lessons. At times, they have been heartbreaking, painful -- pick yourself up and put back together the pieces kind of effects. But I love them deeply, because they've taught me special things. How to appreciate where I am now. What I do and do not want in my life. How to respect and love myself more.
I just, I rebel a lot from rules and legalism somewhere deep inside. Feels like stuck or trapped. I believe in the Word of God. I believe in conviction and discipline from the Holy Spirit. But it has taken a lot of steps in my walk to realize -- I do my best, I love, and I trust God. Sometimes, I make decisions I shouldn't, somedays I feel more flawed than others. But guilt and shame are not from Him. And He knows, He knows, He knows -- I'm human. He made me. He loves me the same every day. So I feel free to walk in this uniquely made, uniquely thinking person that is me and accept that love. I am who I am. I love God more than anything, but He takes care of the rest. He makes up for what I lack. He knows who I am. He didn't make a drone. He made someone mentored and discipled, a free-thinker with free will. He loves me the way I am.
Is good or bad different depending on the person? Right or wrong -- a fine line? Could what is a lesson to someone else, be a mistake to another because they're not the same? They aren't at the same places in their lives, in their thinking. Is trying to share where you are now in your life, things you're glad you experienced in your life, that may be considered a mistake, pulling that person down? Because maybe they haven't been there yet, they haven't learned that -- maybe it won't integrate like a puzzle piece snapping into place in their big picture.
Recently God has been showing me a new way to let him love me through people. Do I sometimes get in the way of that because I don't believe I'm worth it somewhere in the whispers of my being? Where do the lines go? And is it too much to ask for a blank sheet of paper or to write on your lines sideways or upside down? May He always speak from His spirit to mine, a little more loudly than all the other chatter that surrounds me.
I like myself the way I am. But I never want to stop growing. Must there be an uncomfortable somewhere to push us to the next level? Sometimes it's okay to end the night in questions without reprimanding yourself. Just be. Just float. Let Christ carry you across the waters.
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