Day Thirty-Seven

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5

Faith is spiritualized imagination. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

I've got to have faith, faith, faith. ~ George Michael

So tonight I'm fading quickly. Physically exhausted, emotionally spent & mentally worn down. I'm tired of thinking tonight, tired of doing, tired of feeling. The search for answers can be draining work. I am lifting all up to Him.
I can analyze all day long what is really going on & then I can feel my perception. I've done this always. Dig deep in my psyche, my brain, my soul, whatever - Me - for some kind of light. The problem with this formula is that I'm relying on myself. Whatever I arrive at & name Truth is still what Kendell is thinking & what Kendell is feeling - I'm still no closer to reality, for I'm beautifully broken, but broken all the same. I need help.
My Truth has to come from God, Creator, Father. Real self-awareness is God's gift to us all. Until I had an open connection with Him, I existed in an emotionally erratic, spiritually empty place, where clarity had no voice. I pray often that God will build a mirrored wall around me so that my truth may reflect clearly & show me who I really am. He answers this prayer, sometimes gently & sometimes it just ain't pretty at all, but always I have faith that He has readied me for this knowledge.
Today I'm grateful to know a little bit more about myself & to be able to marry this knowledge with humility. There are parts of me I'm not proud of, & I definitely don't jump for the proverbial joy when they are exposed, & not sure if I ever will. But I don't have to focus on the negative, letting it consume me & blind me to all the other, lovelier Truths God has shown me.
Thank God I've been given the Choice. I can run & hide from, ignore, scramble to conceal my ugliness from the world or take the opportunity to grow. I've burned enough years feeling like a bad seed every time I'm shown a truth that I'm uncomfortable with... so over it.
Thank you God for answering my prayers, showing me what is real & giving me the tools to accept & be made stronger by it. Lovelovelove