Day Thirty-Six

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in Heaven may forgive you your trespasses. ~ Mark 11:25

Life is too short to hold a grudge, also too long. ~ Robert Brault

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. ~ Paul Boese

Resentments weigh me down. I don't feel mine all the time, in fact I have weeks, months in a row where I feel no anger at all. A fleeting irritation, yeah - at the baby crying, or because I left towels in the washer, or because the neighbor didn't wave when I did... again. But true anger - the kind that boils up from my toes to my face, makes me grind my teeth until my jaw aches, my voice quiver & my face colored all pink - only comes so infrequently that I'm blindsided each time & am reduced to a crumpled heap inside. A very heavy heap.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing & I don't give its practice the time, attention, respect & energy that it so well deserves. Forgiveness is indeed a practice. I have learned how to forgive the guy who pulled out in front of me at the intersection, the teacher who just didn't *get* what I was trying to say about Joyce. I have less experience with forgiving the ones who have a stronghold on my heart, more experience with just running from them.
There was a time when I believed you forgave someone in order to save yourself. I watched my mother drown in her resentments for years, horribly consumed by anger & patient rage. I knew I never wanted to live like that, be a prisoner of my own hurt feelings. Growing up, I decided I would forgive & forget quickly & get on with my life. Sometimes I was successful, more often I just ran from the pain.
I still believe forgiveness is important for my emotional health, but I feel a bigger picture today. I'm more likely to act in ways that please God these days than ever before, a direct result of my more active role in our relationship. But I still do things that hurt Him & yet each time I believe He wholly forgives me when I ask Him to do so, regardless of how awful I perceive my offense to be. God is so big that all He asks is that I drop my prideful facade & ask His forgiveness, & it is granted. I forgive to lighten my load, but today I see my important role in the cycle of forgiveness. I forgive & I'm forgiven. Alleviate another's pain & yours will be lessened. Give unconditional love & receive.
My prayer tonight is to practice forgiveness, to hear someone else's pain & to share the spirit of Love. Lovelovelove