Day Twenty-Four

... whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things ... My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:8 & 19


It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. -- e.e. cummings


Originality is... a by-product of sincerity.  -- Marianne Moore


Attitude. I've been feeling a little, a smidgen of neediness the past couple of weeks. It could be the diet and absence of sugar and the junk food I crave, could just be where my emotions are at the moment or it might be the summer and not being around people as much during the day. But even a smidgen can make me nervous at times. Sure, I'm human but the human that I have become is brave, independent and strong through a cheesecloth of sensitivity. 
There were times in my life when I relied to heavily on others who I thought were stronger than I was. Especially, when my world began to spin out of control. I needed reassurance and to be soothed. But as I began to heal and grow, I saw the truth. That being heavily dependent on anyone but God always led to let down or to inconsistency. That I had to learn to reassure and soothe myself. As I began to walk more firmly on my own feet, toward the goals of my life I began to see these people that I had put high up on a pedestal in a real way.
Beautiful and strong they were, but they were human. They were flawed. They made mistakes. They had their own lives and families to deal with to love. Maybe we weren't that different after all. I could appreciate and learn from them, but it was beautiful and strong to be me as well. For me that came with not just believing in God, but believing I was who He said I was and that I good do what He said I could do -- above and beyond all I could imagine. It wasn't easy. But something that was suggested to me during this time was that maybe I was grabbing on to these people, looking up to them in big ways because they possessed a quality that I was quite able to see in myself yet. Though, it was there inside of me. 
I still sometimes find interesting to look at that with the people I admire in my life. Now that I have healthy relationships and people in my life, the people I admire -- what is it that I see in them that I can't quite recognize or put into practice for myself yet?
So back to neediness. Even a smidgen can make me nervous. I've gotten better but I've always been one of those worriers that worry about worrying. You know what I'm talking about? I worry that I might be nervous about something. Or that there is the potential there to worry about something? I worry about the worry ... Not just the thing. 
So even when there is just a smidgen there hanging around underneath the surface. Somewhere in my mind I'm going. What if I lose my independence? What if I'm going back to being that needy girl in a relationship? This was never attractive on me. I look better in joy and serenes. And then I take the time to remember that that can't happen. I'm not the same person that I once was. Sure on certain days we all have our moments where we don't feel ourselves or walk in our strengths, but it doesn't mean we're losing who we've become.
For me, it is usually fatigue that does it, not spending enough time with God, not listening to Truth and sometimes change ... even good change. And so I respect these things ... Do my best to get the rest I need or spend time with a God who is always waiting for me to hear that "ding, dong" or see that "light bulb" moment and realize, I'm not that far away. And I haven't lost myself, because I am hidden in Him. 
It is true at times we need others, but when we become "needy" I believe it is something else we need entirely.
And His reassurance means more to me than any from mortal man. Plus we like to dance, He and I. So I apologize for my attitude that springs forth from the moment my human-ness leads to a reflection of myself I don't quite like. And I embrace the joy in my day, in my life. And joy, it's different than happy. 
His mercy is new every morning. His resources full. And His advice never flawed. 
Consistency.
Love.
Need Him.